What's New

What's New

A place for updates about my my life and projects, much more reliable than my actual Twitter account which has pretty much turned into a "No Context Caesár" account.

October 31, 2022

Happy Halloween! Here's an award-winning voice acting performance of me playing a scary shadow monster in a mod from Amnesia The Dark Descent:

Thinking back about that time I gave the most HAUNTING horror voice acting performance for an Amnesia mod 7-8 years ago (Nightmare fuel warning!!!)pic.twitter.com/T9wdsXW6aB

— Caesár (@CnaVD) July 4, 2022

Feel free to hit me up if you need a deadpan/dry/depressing/soulless voice for your production!
It's been a month since I posted here. I'm still on the job hunt, unfortunately. I'm really trying to be less of an idealist and also open to jobs outside of the skills that I possess, but as I'm unfortunately not fluent in German yet I am still limited to only English jobs. Every week, I join at least five more job search websites hoping to find a decent English-speaking job in Berlin. It's quite difficult as I simply do not have any "industry skills" as I'm just not built to become a product of capitalism. I still need to pay my bills and prefer living off my own income rather than other people's income through freelance/self-employment, but I simply have little skills and no interest to pursue a college major that gets me (more) qualified. It would also be a waste as I simply could care less about money if it wasn't for the bills I still have to pay. There's no way in hell I'd ever try to look for ways to monetise my creative skills. If anything, my art mainly serves as a way to escape from the capitalist world that we're living in. Not in a literal sense, and of course you could always buy my music on Bandcamp if you must for some reason support me financially (200% optional, I already appreciate you checking out my stuff)
My routine has also been completely thrown out of the window again; In Berlin, I was always occupied, looking for adventure, and going on random walks outside even when I didn't have to do anything. It also helped me spent less time on the internet and social media, which I have recently gotten back into, but as of today I have deleted Instagram off my phone again and will be spending less time on Twitter as well. Being unemployed, you pretty much just live in an endless "summer vacation", you are aware of the fact that you can be as lazy as you want to which makes it diffcult to keep a routine of some sort. Obviously, there are solutions like having a daily to-do list in your calendar, planning out your days, etc. But at the same time, one might also think "What's the point?" That has been the case for me, I have definitely tried to stay productive whether that was by working on art, music, or even making a Mega Man Battle Network meme, but after two years of being stuck inside even after the pandemic has ended, I just desire to have a full-time job to fix my routine; I miss the morning commutes, socialising with colleagues, and just being occupied with something. Plus, I still need to pay my bills whether I like it or not. I could care less about trying keep myself active while unemployed when I know I can kill two birds with one stone. Although times are a bit tough, I'm still very optimistic :)
I did get to work as production assitent on the theatre show of my friend and fellow artist Sandra which was really fun. She's extremely talented and made an incredible show, I'm honored to have been part of the process that day!
My friend Alpha Chrome Yayo made a beautiful cover of Steins;Gate, upon seeing it I wanted to explore the Science Adventure series as I'm waiting for the Steins;Gate sequel that's coming out soon.

Between working on art and looking for jobs, I spent the past month watching the full gameplay of Chaos;Head. I love visual novels, they're an underrated format to help you get back into reading novels and generally train your attention span as well as to experience the world from the protagonist's perspective. There are a lot of franchises that I have gotten into through visual novels, such as the Ace Attorney series, Policenauts and Snatcher, the Kyle Hyde series, and Higurashi When They Cry! I do admit though that for most of those I do eventually watch the anime as well just to see the story in a bit more action than my imagination somtimes can give me. This was especially the case with Chaos;Head as in hindsight I realise that a lot of the game actually consisted of the protagonist describing the world around him in great detail than actual dialogues taking place. Fortunately, there is also an anime of Chaos;Head which I am looking forward to watching!
Someone once talked about that if you're spending a lot of time with a certain video game, that the world around you starts to turn into that video game and I realise that I started to experience this with the Chaos;Head game as I suddenly started questioning my coincidences. (Heck, at some point in the game there was which was actually similar to a dream I had a few days prior to the opening of my exhibition at the art gallery in which I dreamed about the residents and I being locked up in a psych ward ourselves, and our coach was there as well which made things even funnier, I'd like to think that the dream was actually me briefly waking up in a delusion in which the psych ward was actually the reality and the art residency and Berlin as a whole were just a delusion I made up.) I also watched a video about synchronities and have basically been living with that feeling you get after watching a horror film. There really is a part of me that believes that Chaos;Head might be real and I'm going to start questioning coincidences and synchronities a bit more now.
For once this was also a story of which I could understand the protagonist on a personal level, but for once am not interested into rebranding my entire personality around theirs lol

Another thing I got into the past month, and feel free to make fun of me for how embarassing late I am to the party, is that I finally got into Tumblr. This is the perfect site to dump all my random images, thoughts, and memes rather than using my social media for it. I have been going through Tumblr archives for a while now thinking about how I missed out on that era of the internet, and although Tumblr isn't as active as it once was, it's still nice that the place exists and I'm having a pretty good experience on that site so far.

Well, I'm going to look for more jobs now. I won't be as active on social media as I was this month, but you can still reach me on LinkedIn LOL

September 28, 2022

The residency has come to an end. The opening night was incredible, so many people came! Including my German family, my uncle came all the way from Hamburg :)
Now that the residency is over, everyone has left Berlin and is back to where they originally came from. Everyone including me. Not that I wanted to leave, obviously, but I had brought way too much luggage with me. Some of which I never even ended up using, and I was living from apartment to apartment. I spent moving into three different apartments carrying so much stuff, by the time I had to move to the third one, I just dropped off one bag per day into the gallery and took one to my new apartment afterwards. So it was much better to drop off everything in the Netherlands so I can just take one bag with the necessary stuff for when I return. As we speak, my muscles are still hurting from carrying all the stuff and it's been three days since I've been in the Netherlands.
I honestly don't want to be here, anywhere but here would be great. I have never really felt at home here, it feels like prison here. The worst part probably must've been that when I got here again after a month that nothing felt weird, it felt all normal again. The unpaid bills already came in the mail demanding for money I don't have, and my family already sent me the unemployment/social benefits link as the job hunt has been awful and I still don't have an income of some sort. I hate everything about this, I really can't wait to get the hell out of here again. A therapist won't help me with this nonsense as my problems are mostly linked to life being/getting more expensive, I just need a job and apartment and leave this stupid life behind me, unfortunately both of those are not as easy as they used to be.

In other news, my instagram account has been blocked; I was in an art gallery in Berlin when the gallerist asked about my instagram so they could check out my art. The thing is, I have followed so many accounts that I hit the follow limit and constantly have to look for inactive accounts in my follow list to unfollow in order to follow new people. When I sat in the train to the Netherlands, I took this opportunity to go through my follow list and do some long overdue spring cleaning; This led to me discovering how many people that were once in my life quietly unfollowed me, but never removed me as their follower. To some extent, I understood it and was not surprised as I spent probably the majority of 2020-2021 doing nothing but post memes in my story every single day instead of working on art or doing something that actually mattered, it wouldn't come as a surprise that one would eventually get tired of that, even I am tired of it right now and have intentionally abandoned most of my social media for that reason as it didn't help me from improving my life, I can still tell that it's difficult to take me seriously at times because everything I did was always associated with humor and entertainment. Anyways, I started cleaning up my following list and unfollow accounts that weren't following me anymore. Unfortunately, Instagram has an "unfollow limit" once you unfollow a few hundred accounts, it's exhausting because it would take me weeks to actually unfollow everyone and those third-party apps are a bit too sketchy for me. I shouldn't even be occupied with my Instagram anymore idk why this is bugging me, but I'm glad that I have been blocked from it now because it helps me from wasting any more time on social media.

September 19, 2022

The last week of the artist residency has began. The end is coming closer and I can feel the rising stress levels as we're getting closer to the opening even though we still have to work on different things. My optimism is rising as well so I'm not entirely worried.
Unfortunately, I will be leaving Berlin on Sunday to go to the Netherlands. Although I wish I could stay longer, I just have way too much bagage to carry around, half of which I never even ended up using. Ideally, I had hoped I would have an apartment and a full-time job now, but my job search hasn't been much of a success so far. Partially because I would just be too exhausted by the time I get home from the residency, having no energy left to look around for jobs or network with the local artist communities, and because it's difficult to find proper jobs within my skill and interest in English. Most jobs here are understandably in German. Every job search site here either has a terrible filtering system, making it either difficult to find English jobs, or just any jobs as most English jobs here, and any country are mostly Computer Science related. I've been trying to build up a proper network on LinkedIn, but I got a warning from them that my behaviour was too "automated", apparently I was doing better than all those AI and robots people have been losing their jobs to.
I really have no interest in going to the Netherlands again, everyone has been asking me when I would be "back", but I honestly feel much more at home in Berlin than I do in the Netherlands, so I would consider the Netherlands a visit and Berlin as going back/home. Even when I don't have a permanent residency yet. As we speak, I'm literally packing my bag and cleaning my apartment as I'm moving out again to the third apartment until Sunday. Throughout this Summer I have slept in so many different beds, all of them felt more at home than the Netherlands.

Once the residency ends, I will end up deleting my social media again, it really is time to focus on what I want to do in life, because I've been struggling to find any proper direction in life for so long now, and it's making my job search difficult as I don't care about money any more than just wanting my bills paid, but also just want a proper full-time job as I have so much versatile work experience and don't feel selfish when I say that I deserve to have a proper job. Not some freelance stuff or something like that. Thing is, I pretty much achieved most of my dreams already half a decade ago, and I've just been living in the moment off of random gigs and stuff through the network I had built up during the journey towards those dreams at the time. But now that I'm living in a "post-dream era", I'm starting to notice that my life isn't really going anywhere as I have just been taking up space without any goals. Especially when the pandemic started, I really started to realise I had nothing I was working to anymore long before the idea of a lockdown even crossed my mind. Still a student at the time, living from on gig to the other not worried about any bills as I still had student loans and free travel. I've been living my whole life doing side-quests, even this plan to live in different countries was something I came up with all the way back in 2015. I just am not built for this capitalist system and do not care about money at all, the inflation and living becoming more expensive isn't helping either. I don't care about wealth or "financial freedom" nonsense, I just wish I could do whatever I want without having to worry about my bills, but even finding a normal full-time job has been difficult. I need to start writing a proper life plan, one that I'm actually passionate about. And I definitely should be talking to a therapist instead of my computer.

September 14, 2022

I've changed (or am trying to)

Ever since I moved here, I spent an awful lot of time just wandering outside, sometimes just going to random places and districts and explore them.
When I lived in Utrecht, I never really did that. Mainly because I have lived there for the majority of my life and have already seen almost every nook and cranny of it. Utrecht is a nice city, pretty much the version of Amsterdam where there are less tourists and everything is within a walking distance. The only times I really started having walks through Utrecht, were when I already knew that I was going to leave and I was hoping this would be my last walk through the city for a while, years even.
During my walks through Berlin, I keep noticing certain clothing styles that are very different from other places I have been. Most places I have been usually consisted of people wearing fast fashion or streetwear. Here in Berlin, there is a whole different style going on that's quite similar to some of the clothing styles I have seen in art school, but even those are very "normal" compared to all the clothing styles in Berlin; Alternative, Gothic, Metal, Leather, Techno Rave Clubwear, etc. etc. I love it!
Those clothing styles fascinate me, and I'd be lying if I said that I would love to get some clothes like that, but then I go to those shops that sell them and discover how expensive they are. (What do those people even do for a living to fund their lifestyle?!) A part of me does get a bit apprehensive at the idea of me changing up my clothing style after all those years just to "adapt" to another city I'm living in. It made me wonder if I'd still be myself if I started wearing leather clothes, or black biker boots. The answer is obviously yes, but it did fuel my eternal search to my identity.
You've probably seen the hypercube gif on my homepage. I'm all over the place, both IRL and URL. Pretty much everyone who has ever met me knows me for one or multiple different things than other people; being into theatre, making music in a specific genre, juggling, editing videos, and the list goes on! I feel like the longer you (get to) know me, the more confused you get as the "Caesár rabbit hole" just doesn't end as you're questioning why the guy from that "snow album" that had a small role in a Dutch TV show over a decade ago, somehow appeared in The Wall Street Journal to talk about the end of Internet Explorer. I absolutely enjoy the idea of having the craziest "track record" while just seeing like pretty okay and normal person towards strangers who are aware of my lore (It does become less fun when they start making stereotypical assumptions about my based on my appearance)
At times it does look like I'm in an identity crisis, but I promise you that towards all these people and situations, I'm always being the same Caesár, depending on the situation I might just be a bit more serious than the other. Nevertheless, I do still desire to have some "character development" and grow into a better person. There has always been this thought that I would get called out for no longer being the same person that I once was, but especially now I started to wonder; Who's keeping tabs?
So I will finally write this statement for once and for all to let everybody know:

I've changed.

September 8, 2022

Yo! Today was a bit of a gloomy day as it was raining which caused me to be low on energy, but I had some new thoughts and felt like blogging.
It's been more than two weeks now since I moved to Berlin. The artist residency is wonderful, I'm working with incredible people at Kulturschöpfer, not sure whether I should refer to them as colleagues, other artists, or my friends. They're genuinely wonderful to be around with. We're constantly just having nice chats, joke around, and are open to each other's artistic ideas and insights.
It's a shame the residency is only 4,5 weeks, as you can imagine, I'm trying my best not to think about the fact that my time with them will come to an end someday and we'll all go towards our next adventure, either in Berlin or somewhere else in the world. The residency itself offers a lot of artistic freedom which is both a gift and a curse because I sometimes have no idea what I should do next, but I'm enjoying it with the others as we're having a lot of fun together :) I'm generally very thankful for the change of scenery, I truly feel at home in Berlin and love to stay here longer, it is still one of my dreams to live in different places of the world, but would prefer to have my home base here in Berlin.
I have been stepping out of my comfort zone a lot, and am still growing, but I love the adventures I have had here so far. The first week I was here, I went people-watching at the Kitkat Club entrance (If you know, you know.) As I sat there, a guy came sitting next to me and we started guessing which people would be allowed into the club. At some point, he suggested we should try to infiltrate the queue to see if we did enough "research". I was already aware that we were "underdressed" for the occasion, but it was still fun to be creative, such as going shirtless with my fanny pack backwards, but we were rejected both times. It was a fun evening spent with a stranger whose contact info I never saved, but I love the idea of having friends outside of the internet!
If you happen to be experienced with the club scene in Berlin, don't be afraid to shoot me a message with your tips & tricks for clubbing in Berlin as well as some recommendations as I would love to discover the club scene in Berlin. In general, I want to get more involved in the Arts & Cultural sector of Berlin just like I did in the Netherlands where I was just all over the place from Amsterdam to Tilburg. Same with the (experimental/avant-garde) music scene, some of my favourite artists; Tricky, Ghostpoet, and Gami live in Berlin, I would love to meet all the talented artists here!

On terms of music, I have finally finished the next 9:25 am album on terms of composing every track. There's one track that has yet to be finished, but that's a collab with other artists. On terms of audio engineering, it definitely needs to get mastered! Most of my discography sounds okay, but if you were to listen to other music on shuffle and one of my tracks shows up, you definitely notice the extreme diffrence in loudness and realise all my songs basically sound like lo-fi hip-hop.
Today, I even played my album on actual speakers, and realised how terribly balanced the mixes are! I do have access to the gallery whenever I want, I could use the space to work on my mix outside of the "work hours" of my residency, with the exception of the late evening/night as other people live in that building. It was at this moment that I realised I should really invest in speakers and my laptop speakers already have been terribly damaged from producing ambient/noise sounds that were supposed to sound like broken records. My headphones are okay and the only way I listen to my own songs, but it would be nice for my songs to have a decent mix. Who needs this info? idk I just like writing and I love sharing my creative process with y'all :) I'm really excited about this upcoming album, though! It has been in the working for a year and a half now and even though I wanted to release it on 9/25, I will most likely push back the release date to properly make all the tracks sound as good as possible, no need to rush my art!

August 22, 2022

(I'm currently updating the blog , aka manually typing the HTML from my phone so bear with me as this post won't have any fancy decoration )
I'm currently on the train to Berlin ! Literally just boarded as we speak and I'm happy because I have been waiting for this moment for a year now , if not my whole life . I'll be posting about this in better detail , maybe even on my socials after all, but I'm in the train with a butt load of luggage because I am finally moving to Berlin ! Something I have been wanting to do for a long time now ! A year ago , I left the art academy , originally as a gap year , to pursue things I have been wanting to do but never could because I was aways in school or college , avoiding the real world . Eventually I decided to drop out of Willem de Kooning Academy entirely as I knew that , despite loving it here and learning a lot , the only person who can truly teach me to become the artist I aspire to be , is myself ! I did wait until I got my propaedeutic degree so I didn't leave WdKA empty-handed .
The past year , I had a lot of money saved up in my bank account just to finance my dreams and move to Berlin . Unfortunately , I dealt with a lot of rejections to the point that I that I lost all my savins to paying my bills and insurance in the Netherlands. The irony that I was unable to leave the country because I lost my savings to the country I tried to escape .
Getting extremely depressed due to the fact that I was stuck in a place I didn't want to be, I now had to divide my job hunt between finding a full-time job in Berlin as well as finding a part time job in the Netherlands to afford my remaining bills.
As I opened the special job search page of Google , I looked up the job vacancies in the arts sector in Berlin , I came across an interesting open call from Kulturschöpfer in the Green Hill Gallery; An artist residency ! I was a bit apprehensive at first because it was unpaid and you'd have to find your own funding . Upon reading that part I thought to myself: "If I have to find funding I could as well start my own art project." I slept on it for a bit until I realised that the perks of the residency would be that I'd have the space and gallery connections already which led to me signing up . I was very excited because from the moment I left WdKA last year until now , I had pretty much just been living in an endless summer vacation . When I was shortlisted for the interview , I was already excited and optimistic . The interview went amazing and I got the gig! I'm beyond thankful that after 15+(!) years of making art and other creative stuff on the Internet , I finally will be making art in the real world ! And today , I am finally on my way to move to Berlin and start the residency . That back-to-school feeling is fibally hitting me and the endless summer vacation is finally ending , I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! I'm beyond thankful and excited that I can finally move to Berlin and do what I love , I will make good use of the coming time to meet new people , make new friends and network so that I can stay here and also in other countries in the world !

This is just the beginning .

July 19, 2022

It's been a whole month since I last updated my blog!
As y'all might remember from last month, Internet Explorer has ended their support and will now convert to Edge. A netlabel called Sunset Grid came up with the idea to make a compilation album dedicated to Internet Explorer. I had the chance to send a track as well, so enjoy a brand new 9:25 am track called IExplore.exe has stopped working forever.

June 19, 2022

Happy Juneteenth kings 💛
Back in Februari, during Black History Month, black experimental/vaporwave artists from all around the world joined forces to work on a masterpiece of an album together.
That album is Griots!
Huge shout out to Tekeo for organising this!

griot (noun) /ˈɡriː.oʊ/ - In parts of West Africa, someone who passes on his or her society's history, especially through stories, poems, and music, and who takes part in ceremonies such as weddings and funerals

June 15, 2022

Today is the last day that Internet Explorer will work as a program. Microsoft announced that they'll end the support and Internet Explore will turn into Microsoft Edge.
Me, who grew up with Internet Explorer, had to write a goodbye note to Internet Explorer and pay its respects.

Internet Explorer is shutting down in three days. I haven't used IE in a decades but it was the browser I had used for the majority if my childhood.

Whether you loved or hated Internet Explorer, it'll be the end if an era 💛

— Caesár (@CnaVD) June 11, 2022

That's a nice and sentinental message, right? I didn't think too much of it when I posted it than I would with any other tweet expressing my goodbyes and respects to computer software.
However, I was then notified that my tweet had been embedded into an article of the Indian newspaper IndiaTimes.

That was hilariously surreal and crazy, I did not expect that at all! That made my day!!
A few days go by when I notice I have a few notifications from different social media apps as well as an email on my phone.
As it turned out, I was approached to do an interview about my tweet by no other than The Wall Street Journal!!!
This has been the craziest thing that has ever happened to me so far. I truly feel honoured to have been one of the spokespeople for Internet Explorer in it's last days!
Thank you Alyssa for the interview!

May 27, 2022

My band, glass remnant's album Monochromium/Monotonium, will release today, come check out the visualiser of the album below!!!
You can listen to the album on all streaming platforms, and buy it on casette and minidisc on the netlabel Fish Prints.

May 19, 2022

A few months ago, I was approached by the netlabel Civic Duty Records, to contribute to their compilation album Mistranslationwave Vol. 2: Subversion, and I'm happy to announce that the comp has finally been released! Featuring a brand new 9:25 am track It Is No Longer Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.
All proceeds of the compilation will be donated to Marin County/San Francisco Food Bank.

May 10, 2022

It's my birthday, I'm now a quarter decade old!! Not a better day than my birthday to drop a New Age song lol (How am I single?)

I have been working on a Webcore album for about a year now that will sound similar to the track above, the track itself won't be on the album, though.
Here's the live set from URL60: TIMEWARP, by the way. I havent been able to proprly update my website due to my browser having errors when opening Neocities.

April 22, 2022

I'm doing my first solo set at a URL festival, check out URL60: TIMEWARP on April 30, 60 artist doings 60 second sets for 60 minutes straight!
Subscribe to the Twitch!

April 3, 2022

The glass remnant set from Cream Fest is now available on YouTube, check it out!!

March 30, 2022

Decided to make a news page. I do have Twitter, but it's turning into my own "no context" account, so I decided that starting a news page to share updates is a better idea!
Also wanted to share this, I am part of an Ambient/IDM group called glass remnant, and we released our debut album a few months ago!

Excited to announce that glass remnant will be doing a live set at Cream Fest this Friday on Twitch, come check it out!! I made a crazy visualiser for our set and I can't wait to share the creamy experience with all of you!!

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